Finding Faith
by Chuck's Angels
Summary: A young woman asks John to help her and it leads him to something he thought he’d never see again. NOT Shep/OC
1. Holes

AN: So this is a fic co-written by three of us, BlueSkys91, Miss Pookamonga, and me, sparklyshimmer2010. We share this account. Yes, our penname refers to Chuck, the Canadian gate technician. He is awesome, and yes we are complete angels (lol ok, maybe not). Check out our bio for more info. This was Skys' wonderful idea and now here it is! We will each write a part, probably a chapter each normally. We love this fic so hope you Enjoy! This first chapter is pretty much a setup chapter with some angst. I think season 4 spoilers is it right now.

And some special notes: (from Pooka) SPARKY LIVES FOREVER

(from Skys) DIE SHEYLA (sorry we really don't like it, and I don't actually think we're sorry, so yeah lol)

(from me sparkly) Despite us having this fic out, season 4 NEVER HAPPENED

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Chapter 1 (Holes)

Present Day

Twenty years, it had been twenty years since he and Ronon had left Elizabeth on that planet with the Replicators. He still could not wrap his head around the fact it had been that long.

Everyone had developed their own way of dealing with the miserable, heartbreaking anniversary.

Rodney would lock himself in his lab, immerse himself in work, and refused to come out for twenty-four hours. After the first few years of doing this, everyone learned just to let him be.

Ronon and Teyla could either be found in the gym, or on New Athos handling it in their own way.

Beckett would take the day off and go fishing.

Everyone had their own way of coping with the loss of their friend, but his he knew was the most pathetic of them all. He would sit in his room, in the dark, nursing a bottle of Jack Daniels until it was drained.

It was his way of doing things, his way of handling the loss of Elizabeth, his Elizabeth.

FLASHBACK – 19 years earlier

John sat in his room, unable to forget that last look of Elizabeth he'd had. That one last glimpse before he turned around to leave her on that godforsaken planet. He couldn't get out of his thoughts that resounding "Go!" which rang in his head despairingly. It had been her wish, but that one word taunted him, taunted him oh so much, because he had left her with the replicators to die.

Oh he had made a promise – to the expedition, to his friends, to himself, to her…a promise to bring her back home. But had he? No. And now she was dead. He had failed at the one thing that counted most in his life; protecting her.

For all those months after that mission he had had hope, had been determined to see her again, to save her from whatever she must be going through. And then that hope suddenly left when the knowledge came that Oberoth had killed her. It left him empty inside. He hadn't yet grieved properly.

And now it was a year, a whole year since he and Ronon had left her there. It hadn't seemed so long until this harsh anniversary. On this day the fact that she was truly gone from his life ate him up from the inside out, gnawing at his heart with incredible pain. On this day the guilt came for them, particularly to John.

And he wanted to get away from it.

And instead of doing that, he made his way to Elizabeth's old quarters. Why, he didn't exactly know. Maybe he wanted to remember. Remember the time they spent together before.

He just stood there, opposite the door, staring hard, as if he could see through it. It wasn't her room anymore. It wasn't his to just walk into any time he pleased.

Yeah, they'd been together. Since the whole Michael situation and that damn Woolsey had come to maybe take her away from him and her home. He had really been scared that she was going back to Earth and hadn't wanted her to leave until she knew how he felt.

His thoughts went to that day about two years ago when he'd kissed her. And she'd completely surprised him, and herself too, by kissing him back. That had been one of the best days of his life. Their relationship had been wonderful. They'd been good together. It hadn't been too long before they'd slept together.

Why did this have to hurt so damn much?

He cleared his mind, on the verge of tears.

He _needed _to get away from this.

He made his way to McKay's lab where the scientist was throwing himself full force into his work, the only sign that he remembered what the day was, the slightly worse dark rings under his eyes then he would normally have from one of his all nighters. And his eyes held a certain depth of pain that John could only imagine was mirrored in his.

He stepped into the lab, coming in and leaning against the doorframe.

"Hey Rodney," he said quietly.

Rodney jumped and looked up at him, startled, eyes wide. He put a hand on to his heaving chest and glared. "What are you trying to do!? Give me a heart attack? Because trust me, I do not need one from you. I get plenty of them off world already."

John rolled his eyes, happy for this small bit of normality. "Yeah sorry about that," he said, not sounding sorry at all.

This time Rodney rolled his eyes. "Yeah, I'm sure you are."

"So whatcha working on?" John asked.

Rodney sighed tiredly. "Nothing that you would understand."

John just shrugged in acceptance and sat heavily in a chair across from Rodney's work space. There was some silence before Rodney glanced at him slightly uncomfortably. Then he spoke hesitatingly. "So uh, how – how are you doing?"

John bit his lip. Rodney just _had _to have brought it up. But John didn't blame him. Out of all their friends, he, John, was taking it the worst. He had loved her. And Rodney was just making sure he was ok. _Like I could ever be ok, _he thought bitterly.

He leaned his head down in his hands. In a throaty voice he replied, "Not so good McKay."

"Right," Rodney muttered, not knowing what to say.

"I just…" John trailed off. "I just still can hardly believe that she's not here. It's finally hitting me that she's gone. But I can't quite believe that." He brought his head back up to stare at nothing.

"Yeah well, you'd better believe it Sheppard, cause there's no way she's coming back." His voice was full of pain, but he was just talking, not considering what he was saying or how John would react. "It's been a year, she had nanites that were probably taken over by the replicators, and not to mention the fact we blew them all up!"

John's face darkened at Rodney's words. He slammed his hands on the table as he stood up.

Rodney looked startled once again, as though he for the first time comprehended the situation. His face saddened. "Sorry, that's not how I meant it. I – I'm just not at my best either right now. Maybe you should leave."

"Yeah, maybe I should." He took a few steps towards the door, but stopped, not turning around, as McKay said one thing more.

"I'm sorry, John."

John nodded in understanding, though still not facing his friend. Rodney wanted to be left alone. Fine. As soon as he passed the threshold, the door shut and locked from Rodney's artificial gene. Tomorrow they would be fine with each other. In the meantime, maybe he should go somewhere by himself too. And relive the good times…

Next year he would have Teyla try to talk to Rodney. And next year he would make sure to have more alcohol.

END FLASHBACK


	2. In the Face of Everything

**Disclaimer: We own nothing!! I mean come on, if we did would Elizabeth be gone?? HU??**

**Spoilers for season 5!!**

A/N (BlueSkys91): Nothing really, just enjoy and thanks for reading!!

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Chapter 2: In the Face of Everything

_PRESENT DAY_

"I can't believe we have to do this today! Why do we have to do this today?" Rodney whined. He was finishing zipping up his vest and was pacing around the gate room. Even though he was much older now, Rodney could still complain with the best of them.

"I do not know Rodney. I also wish we did not have to do this." Teyla placed a hand on Rodney's shoulder, then reached up to tussle his gradually decreasing hair. Although truth be told, he had more than anyone expected him to have by this point.

Rodney pushed out a grin for Teyla as he brushed the small strip of silver hair that framed her ageless face, behind her ear. She thanked him silently with a forced smile of her own.

"Ditto Uncle Rodney," the nineteen year old Torin said, looking down at his feet. He hated the fact that his mom and uncles were being forced to take him on his first mission on the day that he had known since he was little was meant for mourning the loss of their friend.

"Even Woolsey didn't make us do this," Ronon grumbled as he rotated his gun around in his hands. He hadn't lost any of his skills over the years, and was the one that had aged the best out of them all, only having one or two gray dreadlocks here and there, that was all.

John was still standing in front of the gate, staring up at it through his aviator sunglasses. He thanked the heavens no one could see the tears that were glazing over his eyes, threatening to fall at any moment. He was determined to get through this day though, for Torin. Then, after they returned sometime tonight, he would go back to his room and finish the bottle of whisky, finish the pitiful tradition, that the new twenty something year old leader of Atlantis had broken. The twentieth anniversary too. He really couldn't believe it, none of them could.

John loved Torin like a son, but a part of him resented the bright, nineteen year old. It was a dark part of him, a part he swore was left over from the creature that took over his body many years back. It was that creature for which he held responsible for any ill feeling toward Torin. It was that, or sleepless nights blaming himself, which he did anyway for countless other things. Like why he couldn't save her.

"John," the voice jarred him out of his dark thoughts that haunted him every day of his life.

"What!" he snapped back, now glaring at a barely stunned Teyla. She had become accustomed to his random outbursts over the years. Nonetheless, it didn't make him feel any better about them happening.

"I was just wondering if you are ready to leave," she asked, stiffening her jaw and frowning slightly as she fixed her stare back at him.

He looked at her apologetically, knowing it wasn't enough for how many times he had hurt her over the years. He knew she couldn't see his eyes, or hear his thoughts, but he knew, she knew.

"John," her tone was almost questioning, but his silent stare back only confirmed her suspicions that he was indeed drunk. She didn't need to see his blood shot eyes, nor did she need to hear his words, or smell his breath to confirm it. She just knew, because he always was on this day.

"I'm fine," he responded, and with that they both stepped away from the front of the gate.

With a whoosh, the giant blue pool was open and sparkling just as bright as ever.

He stepped as close as you could to it without going through, and look back up at the balcony, just out of habit. He swore if he looked quick enough he could still see her standing on there watching him step though the gate.

He looked over to his right. Torin was standing right next to him, looking like he was trying his best not to smile for their sakes. It was his first real mission, so be it a recon mission, he still had every right to smile as much as he wanted, but it just didn't feel right.

John put a hand on Torin's shoulder and said, "Let's go." He forced himself to at least smirk for the kids benefit. Torin smiled back. John still couldn't believe that Torin was nineteen. It seemed like just yesterday he had flown the boy home on his lap in that Wraith dart, but then again, a lot of things felt like just yesterday.

He looked back up at the balcony, then back at Torin. Finally his blood shot eyes settled on the shining blue puddle before him and Torin stepped through.

_FLASHBACK- 19 years earlier_

He tried his best just to focus on the Nintendo portable he held in his hands, but damn was it hard with her laying in the bed next to him holding the baby. He couldn't even look at without feeling ashamed, like he had betrayed Elizabeth in some way.

Every time he looked at the woman in the bed next to him, that dream he had had while he was unconscious and buried in the rubble with Ronon would haunt him. He couldn't shake it. Why wasn't she there, Ford was there, why wasn't Elizabeth?

Why was Teyla the object of his affections? The thought made his stomach turn. Sure they were close and maybe even had something special, but it was nothing compared to what he had had with Elizabeth.

There was the problem yet again, another thought that made his stomach turn with one word; had.

Everything he had known was gone now, and it seemed most of what he had done in the last twenty four to forty eight hours had completely betrayed the memory of just that. Everything he had had.

She told him she was going to name her son after him and her father as John was being wheeled off to surgery for the injuries he had denied just to save her. Something he hadn't even done for Elizabeth.

His stomach flipped again.

He told her he was honored, which he was, but he couldn't help how he thought and how it felt. That it was just so wrong.

The infant should be named after Rodney, the man who delivered him, or Ronon, the man who had carried his mother and him all the way to the dart that flew them all home. Or hell, what about his dad? Shouldn't the boy be named after his own father, and grandfather?

Just not him, not him.

_END FLASHBACK….._

A/N: Please review!! We really want to know what you think!! )


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